Calling All Believers

So finally we made it to church this morning. We tried last week but of course, I slept too late, as usual. I am not sure what is wrong with me, but getting up in the mornings is severely difficult for me, and has been over the past few months. But today, we visited a new church, one that I have been wanting to visit but just never made it. I enjoyed it. The kids didn't want to go to children's church so they sat in with me, and did stellar, I might add. There was even a couple that greeted us, who found us afterwards to see how we liked it, who commented on how well-behaved my children were. Now that is the kind of thing that a parent in turmoil NEEDS desperately. I am still struggling to find my home church here. It is difficult when you compare it to the church you were calling home before. I have visited four churches here in Mason since we have been here. Each has things I like, but I am not certain that one holds a home for me yet. But, I do plan to attend the one we visited today next week, because I don't feel I can make a decision yet. And, God did speak to me through the Pastor this morning. He preached about prayer. He used Exodus 32 where Aaron fashions the golden calf and Moses seeks and gains the favor of the LORD for the Israelites because God was ready to wipe them out. But Moses stood in the gap for the Israelites and begged for mercy for them. It reminded me that we must 'pray without ceasing'. It reminded me that we do have to stand in the gap for others, for our Nation, for our leaders. Right now, I have stand in the gap for my family because we are falling apart. Maybe not where it is evident to others, but we are. I am not pleased with the job I have done as a parent. If my children base their knowledge of God as a father on me as a parent, then they will have an extremely SKEWED view. It has come to my attention that in our house, we do not practice grace. I have not extended it to my children, now, they do not extend it to each other or anyone else. Grace is difficult to explain anyway, much less to children. However, if you haven't practiced grace, they really have NO concept of it. God's grace is one thing in life I know I could not live without, I am so thankful for it. But I have lessened what it means in my life by not sharing that with my children. What happened to me? Why is this such a struggle for me? Why am I always so ANGRY? My children are blessings. The Bible tells me they are a heritage from God. I am asking all believers out there to stand in the gap for me on this. My children are my first mission field and I am really messing it up. I need to wake up every morning remember they are a blessing not a curse. I know I am being very open here, but I really need help. Right now in my life, parenting is an everyday struggle. The kind of thing that makes me not want to get up in the morning. I am always at the brink of tears because I feel so lost in this task. I have pretty much checked out of life altogether. Honestly, I am not functioning well as a human. I can go to work and I function pretty well there. But at home, I am lost. Even as I am typing this, the children are arguing and bickering and I feel my only tool is to yell. What kind of message does that send to my children? I know this post is long and the thought process is hard to follow, but I have to type as it comes or I loose it. I suppose that is all for the moment. But please, brothers and sisters in the Lord, lift me up. I am finally at a point where I feel I can change. I still feel defeated, but I am standing up, struck down but not destroyed. I know I must let HIS joy be my strength.